Be Still, My Soul

Things like this are supposed to get easier... right? For me it seems to be the exact opposite. If you saw me a few days ago, I probably seemed okay. I did really well the first and second day... I almost pretended like it didn't happen and that he was still alive. I was numb, and nothing had really sunk in. But now that we're on day 4 and I've been to the funeral, I've seen his body in a casket... things are getting progressively worse. I'm struggling. A lot. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day so I don't have to be stuck in this reality anymore. I feel like a hole has been carved out of me and there's a gaping emptiness that will never be filled again. I feel robbed. This all came too soon--too sudden--and none of it feels right or how it should be. I keep praying for a feeling of understanding of why this had to happen, why now. I still don't have an answer... but I keep praying. This morning I even told Him I don't need to understand. I don't need to know why it had to happen now, even though I wish I could. At this point, I just want to feel His confirming peace that this was His will. How does a heart as young and healthy as Grandpa's just go out? It's not right, it's not natural, and it's the last thing any of us could've ever expected. I keep thinking "This isn't right, Heavenly Father. You got the wrong guy. Grandpa's healthy, it's not his time yet. He's supposed to come to my farewell and my wedding. I need him, my grandma needs him, and my mom needs him." The whole thing just feels so... wrong. But then I try to remind myself of a quote by Joseph Fielding Smith that I wrote about a few weeks ago, regarding Madie and Parker's deaths. "No righteous man is ever taken before his time." I've never known a man as faithful and righteous as Grandpa, and I don't say that lightly. I mean that, so surely this quote must be true for him, too. But I don't know it yet, so I keep praying. I think once I know this is what He wants, it will help. I have a lot of faith in Him and I know that He expects me to handle a lot in this life. His confidence in my abilities gives me confidence in my abilities, but I also have to allow myself to be human and struggle. I have to allow myself to feel this grief that's eating away at my heart. It's the only way to heal.

In our readings this week, 3 Nephi 6-10, I learned a lot. One of the main principles Brother Griffin taught was the "so, what" of the scriptures. He said all too often do we skim through the scriptures to do our daily reading without pulling out a principle or application to our lives. After reading, we should be able to say "so, what? How does this apply to my life and what do I learn from this?" I have been doing that a lot with my readings lately... I have been searching for principles, because I need them so much. I need to gain strength from my scriptures more than ever before (with the exception of when my dad left). One of these so-whats for me was in chapter 7, verse 18. Near the end it says "...for so great was [Nephi's] faith on the Lord that angels did administer unto him daily." I loved how the condition for receiving the strength of angels is to simply have "great" faith on the Lord. My family and I are in great need of strength right now--heavenly strength. It gives me comfort to know that if I pray for the strength of angels for my family, and have faith in Him, we can receive that strength. 

The second "so, what" is in 3 Nephi 9:22. Chapter 8 consists of the most destructive, disastrous scriptures in the Book of Mormon. In chapter 9, verse 22 it reads "Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God." With all of these painful, disastrous, terrifying events going on, one can imagine the behavior of a child in this situation. Amidst worries and fear, a child would be desperately clinging to her parent's leg, trusting in him to lead her out of this scary, destructive situation. There is such powerful imagery there and it really touched me. I need to come to Him like that and trust in His ability to receive me and carry me through this. I know He will.

Another thing that touched me about class this week was the song we sang for our opening hymn, Be Still My Soul. That song has always been a favorite of mine, but it has never reached my heart so strongly as it has this week or a few minutes ago when it came on my Pandora. Here are the lyrics:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

 I wasn't going to blog about this, but I've never had a song touch my heart so prominently as this did just now... even though our family is overcome with grief, He will be there through every difficult moment. Everything that is confusing and foggy to me now will one day be clear and understandable. I think I just received an answer to my prayer.

Thanks for reading,

A Difficult Week

Needless to say, this week has been a rough one for my family. After my grandpa’s heart attack last week, things have been pretty up and down as far as whether or not he will survive. One moment we think he’ll make it through, and the next he’s too weak/unhealthy. It’s been really difficult and extremely emotional. The consensus at this point is that even though he does have pneumonia, he could heal with antibiotics. However, the state of his brain is permanently damaged and he isn't fully functioning, so the question is whether it’s worth it to heal the pneumonia when the person inside is just a shell of what he used to be. My aunts and uncles have essentially decided that because his brain capacity is not where my grandpa himself would want it, that it’s not a life worth living. Starting today his oxygen will be decreased over the next two days, and by Tuesday he will be completely off of it. Because of the pneumonia he is completely dependent on the oxygen, and unless we experience a miracle in the next two days where he heals and can breathe on his own, he will probably quietly slip away due to lack of oxygen. His children have decided that’s what’s best, and somehow I just need to accept that.

Regardless of how difficult this all is, I've seen the Lord’s hand in it and I've felt Him carry me through it. He has made so many tender mercies available to me, which is a true sign that He lives and loves me. I have a greater understanding of His plan and faith that whatever He wants to happen with my grandpa is exactly what will happen. I can trust that it will all be okay, because I trust Him. He would never leave me or hurt me, and if He thinks my family can handle this trial, that must be the case.

Brother Griffin talked about trials and tender mercies quite a bit in his lessons this week. In Helaman 16:13-14, it talks about the signs and wonders that were given to the people. Verse 14 mentions that angels appear to “men, wise men” and show them the ways the scriptures are fulfilled. He likened this to how when we choose to follow His counsels, believe in His coming and respect His prophets, we become “wise men” and allow ourselves to be capable of receiving witnesses and packaged, personalized tender mercies. I’ve received so many of those this week, as I’ve been blessed with hours upon hours of personal, individual time with my grandpa. He frequently goes in and out of consciousness, and will sometimes wake up, jostle, ask for something and then go back to sleep. I’ve had the blessing of witnessing many of these and being at his bedside as they occur. I will always remember the times he woke up, saw me sitting there and said “I sure love you, honey.” That happened on more than one occasion and it gave me such joy. Other times he’d reach out and give me a hug, then kiss me on the cheek. Other times I simply fulfilled a request he had for water, or switching his cooling rag, or giving him ice cream. He’d smile and say “thank you,” and it made me happy that I could serve him and give him that little bit of comfort. This special time I’ve had with him this last weekend will connect me to him forever, and for that I am so, so grateful.

In 3 Nephi 1:11 it says “And it came to pass that he went out and bowed himself down upon the earth, and cried mightily to his God in behalf of his people[.]” The principle there is that Nephi was in the midst of many trials at this time. He was concerned that the sign of Christ’s coming wouldn’t come before the believers were put to death (verse 9), and so he poured out his heart to the Lord. He prayed to know the Lord’s will and plan, to which He answered in verse 13 “Life up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world.” This story teaches us to pray and call on Him for help when we are afraid, fearful or struggling. The ironic thing is, I can’t help but think how much this has been me this past week. As I’ve been dealing with so much turmoil and uncertainty, I’ve relied on Him more than ever for stability and understanding. I’ve spent much time pouring out my heart in prayer this week, sometimes in frustration and confusion over why this had to happen, and sometimes in faith, trust and understanding of His plan. The truth is, I still don’t understand what His will is. I still don’t know if my grandpa was supposed to survive this and work towards better brain function (the neurologist told us that his current condition would improve), or if he would always live below his means and that this is my grandpa’s time to go. I still don’t know, and I think that’s the hardest part… letting go without being sure that this is what’s supposed to happen. But in these trials I continue to call on Him for peace to calm mine and my family’s hearts. I pray that His will will be made clear and sure and things will happen as they should. That’s really the best that I can pray for, and I have to leave the rest in His hands. 

Thanks for reading,

Helaman 5-12

In Helaman 5, we talk all about the word “remember.” Verses 5-6 use “remember” seven times and verse 7 it reads “Therefore, my sons, I would that ye should do that which is good, that it may be said of you, and also written, even as it has been said and written of them.” This verse can help us think about whom we want to be, and more importantly, how we want to be remembered. What do I want people to say about me when I’m gone, and what kind of legacy do I want to leave?

Another verse we focused mainly on was Helaman 5:12. “And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.” We spent a lot of time in this verse, and one of the cool parts is how it mentions when the devil sends forth his mighty winds, and when all his hail and storm beat upon you, not if. It will happen, and this verse (and others) is the key to how to prevail against it.

This week Brother Griffin also really emphasized how our scriptures are goldmines. Through our reading we should dig for principles, and then sift and sort our findings. We have to separate the doctrines/principles, and then fashion/shape them so we can apply and liken them to ourselves. He encouraged us to study our scriptures carefully and deliberately, searching for words, phrases, oppositions and repeats.

Finally, we talked about how life is hard. It really is. Whether you’re a missionary or a college student, you run into lots of trials. However, Alma and Amulek were THE most successful set of missionaries in the Book of Mormon. They dealt with trial after trial, specifically in chapter 5. Regardless, their faith was not shaken. They experienced miraculous results and are truly a testament to the fact that the best spiritual progress occurs when we’re exactly obedient through trials.

This week was great and I learned a lot. That’s all. J

Kelsey

Alma 57-Helaman 3

This week started with chapters 60 and 61, which is the story about Moroni's letter to Pahoran. Moroni is frustrated with Pahoran for his neglect of Moroni and Helaman, so he writes Pahoran a very heated letter in chapter 60. In this letter Pahoran is accused of "sitting in idleness" in "thoughtless stupor" while "transgressing the laws of God" and "trampling them under [his] feet." Moroni even closes the epistle with a death threat, saying that "God will not suffer that [they] should perish with hunger" and lack of forces in 60:35. It was a very accusatory, heated letter, but in chapter 61 Pahoran responds with nothing but grace and humility. I am so incredibly inspired and grateful for his example. Pahoran explains that he hasn't been neglecting Moroni and Helaman, but he has actually been dealing with war of his own in Zarahemla. In verse 7 it says "And they have come unto us, insomuch that those who have risen up in rebellion against us are set at defiance." Pahoran has been in an incredibly dangerous situation himself, but rather than getting angry at Moroni, he is patient and understanding. In verse 9, he says "And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart." He goes onto say how much he hates war and fighting against his brethren, but that they would not fight them if they didn't rebel.

I love Pahoran's example of being humble and submissive, despite receiving such an offense, accusatory letter. This is such a good thing to remember when we are offended or hurt by someone. I think this story is extra personal for me because I've had a personal experience similar to it. When it happened, I referenced this story many times to understand and learn the best way to approach the situation and how to be Christlike like Pahoran was. I will always be thankful that he responded in the way he did.

A cool principle that we talked about in chapter 62 was how to purge yourself of evil and addictions. We all deal with sins and addictions, but there are ways to overcome them.  
Step 1 starts in verse 3, where Moroni takes a "small number of men," or in our case, sins. We should focus and zero in on the sin(s) we're trying to overcome.
Step 2 in verse 4 says "he did raise the standard of liberty." After zeroing in on our sins, we should set specific, high standards for ourselves that we will live by.
Step 3 in verse 5, it says thousands did flock unto his standard, and did take up their swords in the defence of their freedom, that they might not come into bondage." This tells us that it's wise to surround ourselves with like-minded people who have the same goals to help support us in our efforts.
Then Step 4 in verse 9 talks about going out and executing the things that keep you from the gospel and the presence of the Holy Ghost. We have to remove everything from our lives that doesn't allow us to feel the spirit or to live by our standards.
Finally, Step 5 in verse 10, we're encouraged to live by the laws we've set for ourselves while striving for freedom. The gospel grants us freedom by living our standards and doing what's right.

In the beginning of the book of Helaman, Brother Griffin told us that Satan makes two major shifts in his tactics--first, he gets more subtle and sneaky as far as temptations within, but he becomes more bold/daring/brazen on the outside.

One of the main points we talked about was in chapter 2, verse 8. Satan's "secret plan" is to "murder, and to rob, and to gain power." Those have been his techniques from the beginning, and they remain that way today.  While the Savior's plan was to present us with a way to choose right from wrong, Satan's plan was an attempt to rob us of our agency, murder us and our free will and in the end, receive all the glory. However, Satan's plan was unacceptable. We, as human beings, can't do a thing about sin or death. We needed someone who could do both, and Jehovah offered willingly.

Finally, last of all we compared chapter 1 with chapter 2. In chapter 1, Pahoran was murdered by Kishkumen. In chapter 2,  however, Helaman was saved from being murdered by his servant who was aware of Kishkumen's plan. Brother Griffin used this example to compare why some people die young and why others have a long life. This was especially applicable to me, because a boy from my high school passed away yesterday, and my friend Madie passed away a few months ago. The truth is, we don't know why some people are required to have shorter lives than others. It's hard, and it hurts, but ultimately he quoted Joseph Fielding Smith who said "No righteous man is ever taken before his time." That gave me so much comfort as I contemplated Madeline's life and Parker, the boy from my high school. I didn't know Parker, but I'd been around him enough times to realize the type of boy he was. He was, indeed, a "righteous man" who was making good choices and had a certain light about him. I did know Madie, and I also knew that she was an incredible girl. Madie had the light of Christ in her eyes and was a beautiful person, inside and out. She was the definition of a "righteous [wo]man" and that quote rang so true with me. It gave me joy to know that it was her time, and that everything is according to His plan. The spirit confirmed that truth to me, and I really appreciated that.

That's all for today :)

Kelsey