Be Still, My Soul

Things like this are supposed to get easier... right? For me it seems to be the exact opposite. If you saw me a few days ago, I probably seemed okay. I did really well the first and second day... I almost pretended like it didn't happen and that he was still alive. I was numb, and nothing had really sunk in. But now that we're on day 4 and I've been to the funeral, I've seen his body in a casket... things are getting progressively worse. I'm struggling. A lot. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to lay in bed and sleep all day so I don't have to be stuck in this reality anymore. I feel like a hole has been carved out of me and there's a gaping emptiness that will never be filled again. I feel robbed. This all came too soon--too sudden--and none of it feels right or how it should be. I keep praying for a feeling of understanding of why this had to happen, why now. I still don't have an answer... but I keep praying. This morning I even told Him I don't need to understand. I don't need to know why it had to happen now, even though I wish I could. At this point, I just want to feel His confirming peace that this was His will. How does a heart as young and healthy as Grandpa's just go out? It's not right, it's not natural, and it's the last thing any of us could've ever expected. I keep thinking "This isn't right, Heavenly Father. You got the wrong guy. Grandpa's healthy, it's not his time yet. He's supposed to come to my farewell and my wedding. I need him, my grandma needs him, and my mom needs him." The whole thing just feels so... wrong. But then I try to remind myself of a quote by Joseph Fielding Smith that I wrote about a few weeks ago, regarding Madie and Parker's deaths. "No righteous man is ever taken before his time." I've never known a man as faithful and righteous as Grandpa, and I don't say that lightly. I mean that, so surely this quote must be true for him, too. But I don't know it yet, so I keep praying. I think once I know this is what He wants, it will help. I have a lot of faith in Him and I know that He expects me to handle a lot in this life. His confidence in my abilities gives me confidence in my abilities, but I also have to allow myself to be human and struggle. I have to allow myself to feel this grief that's eating away at my heart. It's the only way to heal.

In our readings this week, 3 Nephi 6-10, I learned a lot. One of the main principles Brother Griffin taught was the "so, what" of the scriptures. He said all too often do we skim through the scriptures to do our daily reading without pulling out a principle or application to our lives. After reading, we should be able to say "so, what? How does this apply to my life and what do I learn from this?" I have been doing that a lot with my readings lately... I have been searching for principles, because I need them so much. I need to gain strength from my scriptures more than ever before (with the exception of when my dad left). One of these so-whats for me was in chapter 7, verse 18. Near the end it says "...for so great was [Nephi's] faith on the Lord that angels did administer unto him daily." I loved how the condition for receiving the strength of angels is to simply have "great" faith on the Lord. My family and I are in great need of strength right now--heavenly strength. It gives me comfort to know that if I pray for the strength of angels for my family, and have faith in Him, we can receive that strength. 

The second "so, what" is in 3 Nephi 9:22. Chapter 8 consists of the most destructive, disastrous scriptures in the Book of Mormon. In chapter 9, verse 22 it reads "Therefore, whoso repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child him will I receive, for of such is the kingdom of God." With all of these painful, disastrous, terrifying events going on, one can imagine the behavior of a child in this situation. Amidst worries and fear, a child would be desperately clinging to her parent's leg, trusting in him to lead her out of this scary, destructive situation. There is such powerful imagery there and it really touched me. I need to come to Him like that and trust in His ability to receive me and carry me through this. I know He will.

Another thing that touched me about class this week was the song we sang for our opening hymn, Be Still My Soul. That song has always been a favorite of mine, but it has never reached my heart so strongly as it has this week or a few minutes ago when it came on my Pandora. Here are the lyrics:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

 I wasn't going to blog about this, but I've never had a song touch my heart so prominently as this did just now... even though our family is overcome with grief, He will be there through every difficult moment. Everything that is confusing and foggy to me now will one day be clear and understandable. I think I just received an answer to my prayer.

Thanks for reading,