A Difficult Week

Needless to say, this week has been a rough one for my family. After my grandpa’s heart attack last week, things have been pretty up and down as far as whether or not he will survive. One moment we think he’ll make it through, and the next he’s too weak/unhealthy. It’s been really difficult and extremely emotional. The consensus at this point is that even though he does have pneumonia, he could heal with antibiotics. However, the state of his brain is permanently damaged and he isn't fully functioning, so the question is whether it’s worth it to heal the pneumonia when the person inside is just a shell of what he used to be. My aunts and uncles have essentially decided that because his brain capacity is not where my grandpa himself would want it, that it’s not a life worth living. Starting today his oxygen will be decreased over the next two days, and by Tuesday he will be completely off of it. Because of the pneumonia he is completely dependent on the oxygen, and unless we experience a miracle in the next two days where he heals and can breathe on his own, he will probably quietly slip away due to lack of oxygen. His children have decided that’s what’s best, and somehow I just need to accept that.

Regardless of how difficult this all is, I've seen the Lord’s hand in it and I've felt Him carry me through it. He has made so many tender mercies available to me, which is a true sign that He lives and loves me. I have a greater understanding of His plan and faith that whatever He wants to happen with my grandpa is exactly what will happen. I can trust that it will all be okay, because I trust Him. He would never leave me or hurt me, and if He thinks my family can handle this trial, that must be the case.

Brother Griffin talked about trials and tender mercies quite a bit in his lessons this week. In Helaman 16:13-14, it talks about the signs and wonders that were given to the people. Verse 14 mentions that angels appear to “men, wise men” and show them the ways the scriptures are fulfilled. He likened this to how when we choose to follow His counsels, believe in His coming and respect His prophets, we become “wise men” and allow ourselves to be capable of receiving witnesses and packaged, personalized tender mercies. I’ve received so many of those this week, as I’ve been blessed with hours upon hours of personal, individual time with my grandpa. He frequently goes in and out of consciousness, and will sometimes wake up, jostle, ask for something and then go back to sleep. I’ve had the blessing of witnessing many of these and being at his bedside as they occur. I will always remember the times he woke up, saw me sitting there and said “I sure love you, honey.” That happened on more than one occasion and it gave me such joy. Other times he’d reach out and give me a hug, then kiss me on the cheek. Other times I simply fulfilled a request he had for water, or switching his cooling rag, or giving him ice cream. He’d smile and say “thank you,” and it made me happy that I could serve him and give him that little bit of comfort. This special time I’ve had with him this last weekend will connect me to him forever, and for that I am so, so grateful.

In 3 Nephi 1:11 it says “And it came to pass that he went out and bowed himself down upon the earth, and cried mightily to his God in behalf of his people[.]” The principle there is that Nephi was in the midst of many trials at this time. He was concerned that the sign of Christ’s coming wouldn’t come before the believers were put to death (verse 9), and so he poured out his heart to the Lord. He prayed to know the Lord’s will and plan, to which He answered in verse 13 “Life up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world.” This story teaches us to pray and call on Him for help when we are afraid, fearful or struggling. The ironic thing is, I can’t help but think how much this has been me this past week. As I’ve been dealing with so much turmoil and uncertainty, I’ve relied on Him more than ever for stability and understanding. I’ve spent much time pouring out my heart in prayer this week, sometimes in frustration and confusion over why this had to happen, and sometimes in faith, trust and understanding of His plan. The truth is, I still don’t understand what His will is. I still don’t know if my grandpa was supposed to survive this and work towards better brain function (the neurologist told us that his current condition would improve), or if he would always live below his means and that this is my grandpa’s time to go. I still don’t know, and I think that’s the hardest part… letting go without being sure that this is what’s supposed to happen. But in these trials I continue to call on Him for peace to calm mine and my family’s hearts. I pray that His will will be made clear and sure and things will happen as they should. That’s really the best that I can pray for, and I have to leave the rest in His hands. 

Thanks for reading,